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Risk
By: Laurel Ross
I
somehow managed to avoid the risk aversion gene that
many in my family suffer from. I conquered any remaining
fear of risk by opening my own business. I did not take
the risk lightly, and kept reminding myself risk was
a good thing. I evaluated all the options and factors,
and sitting squarely in my corner was Mickey. Mickey
and I had worked together at The Law Firm From Hell
(LFF&H). Mickey had quit and opened his own practice.
When I left the LFF&H, he encouraged me to open
my own practice. He held my hand when the going was
tough and helped me navigate the challenging times.
Mickey
and I have been incredibly good friends for more than
12 years, and have referred to each other as our non-spouse.
During these years, much has happened; he and his wife
divorced, we've run our own law practices, we've dated
a good handful of people between us, he's raised his
two daughters. Last year, he took a major risk and left
law to try out another business opportunity. When it
didn't pan out, he returned to law. Through thick and
thin we've counted on each other's support. In the period
shortly after his divorce, we had dabbled in a relationship,
but it didn't work due to timing and our mutual fear
of losing a friendship that was mandatory for our respective
sanity.
Between
turning 40 and the world taking a dramatic turn in September,
I have found myself much more willing to challenge the
basic foundations of my existence. Life is too short
to sit back and let it roll past me. A friend had recently
questioned my friendship with Mickey, by asking how
I would feel if he got married. The only word that came
to mind was devastated. And two weeks later Mickey went
to Cancun with an ex-girlfriend.
I've
given a lot of thought to what I want from an intimate
relationship. I want a good friend, someone who listens
and retains information, someone with whom I am utterly
comfortable, a man I can rely upon, a man who is attractive
and fun, a man who can make me laugh in the bleakest
moments, and hold me when the laughter doesn't work.
A man who knows my pluses, flaws, successes and failures,
and cares for me anyway. And Mickey fit all aspects
of that description. So why was he only my non-husband?
After extensive contemplation and conversation with
my best friends Rach and Shanti, I knew what I had to
do.
Mickey
and I had dinner at my place. We laughed and chatted,
and caught each other up on our respective lives. Then
I took a deep breath, and put my cards on the table.
I explained that I couldn't continue with our friendship.
That either we needed to turn it into an 'us' or I needed
an extended leave of absence. Our relationship, as it
stood, made it too easy for me to be alone. I wanted
more out of life then a non-husband. We could be good
together. We talked and talked and held each other.
He
asked for how long. I said a while. He said "I
can't call you Monday?" I shook my head no. "After
the summer?" "No." "If you have
a 40th Birthday Party, will I be invited." As the
tears rolled down my cheeks, I found the strength to
say "no." "Mickey, with you around, I
have a safety net, a crutch. If I want a man in my life,
I can't do it with a non-husband in the background.
I care deeply about you, but you require a lot of energy
that I want to give to someone who can give me all.
And I can't do that with you holding the prime place
in my heart." We sat silently, holding hands, evaluating
and reflecting on all we had been through together.
I
got up and he followed, and we hugged tightly for a
very long time, and for what may be the last time. And
then he walked out of my door.
I
am still pretty raw. Part of me holds on to the fantasy
that he will realize I'm right. Part of me feels like
I amputated a crucial body part. And part of me feels
liberated. Lighter, as though I have opened my heart
to new opportunities and possibilities. I will miss
him more than words can express. But I truly believe
that this risk is a positive thing that will enable
new and different energy and opportunity into my life.
Editors
Note: Laurel Ross welcomes your (gentle) comments. Her
email is LaurelRoss39@aol.com
june
2002
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