“Risk Redux”

By: Laurel Ross

Believe it or not, Mickey continues to haunt me. It has been a year and a half since the big breakup, yet he is still a factor in my life. We went for the almost a year without talking. This summer he started calling me and emailing me. Not frequently enough to be the old friendship type, but at once a month, testing the waters, trying to get back into my life. I kept fighting it, not wanting to resume a friendship. I found that sometimes after he calls, I’m fine, it’s over, I’ve moved on. And yet at other times, particularly when I’m feeling alone, it feels like my heart is getting ripped to shreds all over again. What does he want from me?

Anyway, after the most recent call and invite, I called a meeting of my board of directors. Shanti was adamant – walk away, don’t take his calls, move on. Rach agreed with her. But Sven, a newer member of my board and the token heterosexual male, offered a different take – this guy was your close friend for years. The only thing he did wrong was turn you down. Since good friends are rare, you owe him a chance to speak. After hearing that analysis, Rach changed her vote. I pondered the situation for another night. Sven was right. This wasn’t the classic “woman scorned” scenario. Mickey and I once had a close friendship that was gone, and he had been blindsided when it happened. I owed Mickey one opportunity to say anything he felt appropriate.

So for the first time in a year and a half, I initiated a call to him. I suggested getting together, and he leapt at the offer. We agreed to a seven o’clock dinner – he would call that day to decide on the place. I was uneasy, but overall knew it was the right thing. After two days, I told Rach about the plan, letting her know that no one else was to know. I was sick of talking about him and spending energy analyzing what should have been a dead issue long ago. I just wanted the dinner to be over, and to finally exorcise the demon. I knew without doubt it was going to be painful. But I owed him a chance to talk, and part of me really wanted to see him again, because maybe then he would finally realize we were meant to be.

As the dinner day dawned, I came in to work, nervous and a little stressed, but basically ok. I was able to avoid fixating on the impending dinner. But as the day wore on, he didn’t call with the specifics. What was going on? Granted the weather was lousy, but still. At six, Mickey left me voice mail, “I’m sorry about tonight. For some reason, I just looked at my schedule, and I forgot our plans. I’ll call tomorrow to reschedule.”

So what does this say? Did he really forget? Did he avoid calling because he wasn’t ready to face me? Was there any other agenda? All I know is that I’m done. I’ve had enough of this game. Time to move on for real. Time to let go of the fantasy and find a better reality.

Editors Note: Laurel Ross welcomes your (gentle) comments. Her email is LaurelRoss39@aol.com

February 2004